Make someone smile ...

Make someone smile ...
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Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Blonde Mortician

The Blonde Mortician
Source: Email contribution

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.

How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The paint job ...

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as 'handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

The blond quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blond' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the husband asked.

'Yes,' the blond replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

'And by the way,' the blond added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The bet ...

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


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Sunday, April 13, 2008

Row, row your boat ...

A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke.

A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat.

The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo!

It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!

If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Time ...

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45.

The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Animal tracks ...

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.

She looked down, then got run over by the train!

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Locked car ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

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Monday, April 7, 2008

Painting ...

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.

She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

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Sunday, April 6, 2008

Raffle ...

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm.

As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?"

The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"

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Saturday, April 5, 2008

Pizza ...

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

The farmer...

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair color changed so she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"


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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Directions ....

Question:
If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Answer:
The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

State Capitals ...

State Capitals ...

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A redhead said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

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When a Blonde Blows ...

When a Blonde Blows ...

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

Answer: Data transfer.


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The Jigsaw Puzzle

The Jigsaw Puzzle (Submitted by a Reader)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'


The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, ....


(scroll down)







'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

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